a "WHATEVER" day!

Today was a "WHATEVER" day!  Literally!  It just started off on the wrong "wheel!" and I have had a hard time recovering!  I am glad it's almost bedtime and I can try my best to close it with peaceful thoughts and start tomorrow better!

This morning I got frustrated with the way things sometimes run around here when I finally got my breakfast and my schedule at 8 a.m. and my schedule said I had to be at therapy at 8:15 a.m.  I have usually been awoken by 6 a.m. or a least 7 a.m. by a nurse and that at least gets me going for the day and then I am ready for whatever the schedule brings.  This morning I had just barely woken up and had see no one until my food and schedule came.  I had 15 minutes to eat and get ready and try to be somewhat "awake" and chipper for my therapy.  Well...that kind of started it, but in truth I think it was just time for me to have a day like today.

Today my tears were on the surface all day long.  It was all I could to to keep from crying when I wheeled in to Physical Therapy and Rob saw it on my face and asked me was what wrong....trying not to cry (because there's a lot of people in that therapy gym, and I just felt like bawling) I replied, "nothing, it's just a 'whatever' day).  Rob read into that and tried to get more out of me but I felt so sure I was going to cry if I even said any part what was making me sad.  Trying to be nice he asked me if I needed to not have therapy this morning to which I replied "no" because the therapy is what keeps me sane.  It's my workout!  He then asked me if I cried since I've been here.  I told him "of course," and then changed the subject to "what are we doing today."  I just knew I was going to break down and lose it if I let him dig much further.  So after that the joke to get me through the day was..."It's just a 'whatever' day." 

Once right before therapy I found myself crying in the hallway while talking to my mom on the phone who just called to see how things were going.  I had to eventually find a bathroom to lock myself in and finish up just to get it out and wait until the redness in my eyes faded so that no one would ask me if I was "okay"...because then I was sure to start crying again.  The tears were just SO CLOSE TO THE SURFACE TODAY.  I have had at least 4 good cries that I can think of today.

I can attempt to tell you why, but really, I am sure you can imagine.  While I am so grateful to still have my life and so much going for me, the truth is, this is just SO HARD SOMETIMES.  Sometimes I just have to have a "whatever" day and cry, cry, cry to get it out so that I can move on.  Today I cried at several thoughts:

I cried at the thought of wanting to go home SO BADLY, there is NO PLACE I would rather be right now.  Seriously.  I just want to be home.  Brian, the kids and I video Skype every night.  It's wonderful!  I get to see them and talk to them and the kids sing me songs!  We give "hugs" and "kisses" over the video waves and they seem to love it and they count on it every night!  I love it too, but at the same time it's hard.  Behind their little sweet faces I see the walls of my home, the home means so much to me, the home that houses my family and the love that we share.  It looks so warm and comfortable, much more warm and comfortable than this hospital.  I know most of you are thinking to yourself that I only have a week left and that it's so quick.  You're right, a week isn't that long and I do need to be here, but when I think about it sometimes it is not fast enough and it breaks my heart.

Monday, Brian and the kids and I said goodbye from the zoo.  I that was the 1st time I was officially without any of my family staying here in Utah to be with me throughout the day, to be in on my therapies and to just BE.  It will probably be until Thursday before I see anyone from my family and that will be Brian coming for my last day of therapy and to finalize everything so he can take me home on Saturday.  That's 10 days without and right now that seems like forever.  Brian and the kids ended up staying home this weekend because with work days and crazy nights Brian really needed a weekend to start preparing the house to bring me home next weekend.  This weekend is going to be long, quiet and lonely.  Today Rob said, "well at least it's Friday."  I had no comment, because all I wanted to do was cry and say, "Friday's in the hospital only mean longer days to just sit around and try to figure out how to keep yourself happy and busy because there is less therapy Saturday and none on Sunday."  Sunday is Father's Day and I will miss it, but at least Brian with be with his kids.  I am sad I will not be there to help make it special for him.  He is a great dad who loves his kids so much and this year has been ridiculously crazy for me physically and he has born the burden so well and has been my hero in many ways.  I just wish I could repay.

I cry when I think of all of the unknowns.  While I am making such good progress and SO HAPPY to be doing so.  I pray and plead and pray some more that I will be able to one day again run with my kiddos while playing tag or whatever in our back yard!  I want to jog with my husband, even though he's always way faster than me!  I want to clog again!  While still know that I have to live in my reality today and take it day by day...that doesn't mean that my mind never wanders to the future and questions what it will bring or not bring. 

I am not trying to depress anyone, I guess I am just venting and letting you know my reality for today.  It's been kind of sad.  I did do laundry today!  WOO HOO!  I did have good therapy sessions today!  I really enjoy working hard to improve my abilities and problem solving with Stephanie and Lance (my OTs) so that I am more prepared for what awaits me at home)  I have had some tender mercies today in my sad moments and I am so grateful.  This has been a quite the journey so far.  This is part of the mortal journey, these lessons that I am learning are priceless and I hope I am a "good student"!  I want to remember these things that I have felt and learned forever so that I can use them for the benefit of my family, friends and neighbors and for my own spiritual growth.  To be a better and more useful Daughter of God!

I am going to end this post with a Joke or two (from a joke book I received from a friend) because I don't want you to think that I've totally lost it!  This post has probably been the most depressing one yet. Hopefully you'll at least smile or laugh a bit at these silly jokes!  I am still me!  I am still happy!  Today has just been a "whatever" day and I think it's probably a normal part of this process.

Joke 1 -
Two kids went into their parents' bathroom and noticed the scale in the corner.
"Whatever you do," said one youngster to the other, "don't step on it!"
"Why not?" asked the sibling.
"Because every time Mom does, she lets out an awful loud scream!"

Joke 2 -
Teacher - "What is the plural of mouse?"
Student - "Mice."
Teacher - "Good.  Now, what's the plural of baby?"
Student - "Twins!"