Can't Sleep

It's been an exhausting 2 days, I have run around more than I probably should trying to take care of things. Now........for some reason, Benadryl and all, I can't sleep.  My left arm and leg are both aching and numb and that definitely doesn't help when I want to sleep.  So, I'll blog a bit!

Today we said goodbye to my sweet Jane...

Right now she is on a plane somewhere between Salt Lake City and Paris, France.  She'll be arriving in Berlin sometime in the morning.  She has been such a blessing in our home, I loved being her "mom," I love her like a daughter and I think I always will.  As we were driving around town today running a few last minute errands before she left she looked at me and said, "I feel weird, I don't feel anything."  My only response was..."I know how you feel."  In so many ways I know how she feels.  She was happy to be going home, but so sad at the same time.  I believe our spirits cope with that kind of feeling by just going numb for a time - I've been emotionally numb a lot lately.  I hadn't really let myself cry a lot over her leaving - couldn't until today.  I had to hug her every time I could and continually brush off the tears.  The emotions fell at the airport - when I did finally have to say goodbye.  I still can't believe she's gone.  Tonight was strange not having her come up to fill her water bottle before bed or sit by me on the couch to just because or talk for a minute or two.  Andrew was not sure what to make of her leaving, I don't think he gets it's yet.  Emily, on the other hand did, and she stood hugged my leg and cried for several minutes after watching Jane disappear at the top of the stairs in the airport. 

I love you and miss you Jane - please remember the life lessons you've learned here and remember that we'll always be praying for your happiness and success in life.  You are a good girl, you've grown up so much these last 10 months and you have a amazing potential to bless the lives of many people in many good ways.  You are forever part of our family. 

My Emily graduated from Preschool today!...

Okay, so I have to admit that when I found out there was going to be a "Preschool Graduation" I thought it was a bit unnecessary.  It's just "preschool!"  However, when I was diagnosed with the spinal cord tumor and thought that I might miss my sweet Emily's Preschool Graduation I cried and felt so much pain - once again "life redefined."   Now, the little "silly" thing became SO important to me - I couldn't bare the thought of missing it.  To be there to support my sweet baby and see her proud face and hear all that she has learned meant more to me today than I could have imagined.  I love you so much Emily, I am so proud of you!  You are a loving, beautiful, smart, kind and amazing little girl.  I hope I can be the Mommy you deserve!  I am so happy that your teachers had a Graduation for you tonight!  Thanks Holly and Misty - you made me eat my words!

In other news today....

I spoke with Dr. Dailey's nurse on the phone today.  She reported back to me that after having met with the other neurosurgeons in Dr. Dailey's group of 6 there at the hospital they all agreed with his original approach to my surgery.  They will be entering through the back of my neck and removing the "bridge" of my C5, C6 & C7 vertebrae.  That will then give them the "window" to my spinal cord and then, hopefully, the tumor.  They will replace the bone of my vertebrae that they remove and re-attach them with some type of plates on either end.  They will biopsy the tumor right away.  They do not anticipate me needing any time in the ICU after surgery so they plan to move me to the Neuroscience 3rd floor immediately after.  That is where I will most likely stay for the remainder of my 1st week.  After surgery the rehabilitation team will assess me and then a decision will be made as to my in-patient rehabilitation location and plan.  There are still so many unknowns.

We are trying our best to prepare everything else, home and family wise, in the meantime.  I have a large list of things I would like to do before I leave and now...my "long wait" seems like it's over.  I have 3 more days and then we head to Utah. 

 Anyone want to run away to Jamaica with me instead? 

- I have decided to get a short haircut because they will be shaving the better part of the back of my head anyway.  I don't have long enough hair right now to dream of covering it up with something from the top, so it's getting chopped tomorrow - I'm thinking "pixie"!  This way the shaved stuff will catch up to the style faster! 

-Brian and I are going to record ourselves reading "bedtime" stories to Emily and Andrew and put them on a CD for them to have for bedtime each night when we're away.  I don't know if this will comfort them or make them more sad, but either way, they will have it and our family who's caring for them can determine if it helps or hurts.

- I am also going to be getting them each a teddy bear and load it with millions of Mommy "hugs and kisses" so that they can get their "hugs and kisses" throughout the days.

-On and On...lots to do!

We have continued to receive many kind acts of service, prayer and love and so yet again I need to say

THANK YOU!

As for my book hunt...I have received the books I asked for!  I'll have plenty of good reading to do, I just hope I actually get to!

on a more Spiritual note...

This has already been an amazing journey, Spiritually speaking.  As I admitted earlier, I have felt a lot of emotional, mental and spiritual numbness (I think that is just a survival skill) to get through each day.  But, when the walls of numbness break down and I start feeling despair, pain and fear...I have felt Heaven and Earth collide.  I have felt the arms of a Loving Heavenly Father wrap me and comfort me and I have heard His message to me.  He has made it very clear to me, on more that one very specific occasion, that He is here with me and He knows the desires of my heart.

Many of you have suggested that you will be fasting the day of surgery...thank you.  I know there have already been many of you who have fasted for me...thank you.  Words cannot express how overwhelming it has been to feel so much love.  I feel so very unworthy and inadequate.  Knowing of your fasting and prayers on this day will bring me the greatest amount of comfort and security as I enter that room.  I know it works, I just know it.  I know that because of the fasting, prayers and faith given by so many that the Doctor's hands will be guided and led moved in only the best ways.

To my husband...

I am going to "publicly" tell you all that I have an amazing husband and I love him so much.

Brian, thank you for loving me so much and for putting up with my many, many faults and my continual craziness - I know I am not easy to be married to.  I am so grateful that you are mine and that for some reason you love me as much as you do.  I am trying to be the best wife for you and mother for our children.  I know that this experience is part of the "refiners fire" for our life ahead and I am looking forward to becoming more and more polished through our forever journey of ups and downs together.

Please keep Brian, my children and others in my family in your thoughts and prayers just as much as me, if not more.   They will be carrying all different types of burdens, sadness and difficulties these next few weeks and I feel so bad for being the cause of it.  Brian, especially, will have a heavy load to bare.