Thoughts and Feelings

Up until this point I have just tried to explain things in as much detail as possible so that everyone can grasp how it happened and what exactly it is.

Even though we have not yet met with the Dr for the consultation I am not naive to the risks involved.  There have been many tears and yes, this is scary.  My whole family is kind of reeling with what to do and how to be together, how to make sure the kids are well taken care of and how to ensure that their world doesn't feel totally blown away.  We still have A LOT of unanswered questions and many more decisions to make. 

Everyone has told me they can come and take my kids to give me some time, but my only thought is that I want to be with my kids.  I really want to be with my kids and my family.  I don't want to be alone, I go through my little spells and I feel so crazy and while we believe the tumor has been growing for a really long time these symptoms have come on very fast and I don't trust myself alone with my babies right now.

There have been moments of fear, moments of pain, moments of anxiety, moments of anguish, moments of calmness, moments of comfort, moments of laughter and moments of peace.  It is what it is.  Our Life is Redefined.

I keep thinking about the long list of things I should be doing right now.  I am a 29 year old wife and mother of 3.  Brian is just now done with tax season and last Saturday was his 1st Saturday at home in months (after our wonderful family vacation to Disneyland).  I would be planting trees and shrubs in my yard!  Finally - years of waiting.  I would be spring cleaning...I was going do my whole house this year.  I would be training for my 1/2 marathon in June and my triathlon in August.  I would be organizing my house the way I have been dreaming of.  I would be going to the zoo with my kids.  I would be couponing.  I would be enjoying the spring weather and all of the greatness that comes with it.  I would be blogging about other things and working on my Disneyland scrapbook.  I would be trying to have as much fun with Jane (our German exchange student) as we can until she leaves on June 8th.  I would be placing exchange students for the upcoming year and saying goodbye to those that are leaving.  I would be loving having my husband around more and enjoying working on projects with him.  I would be planning the details of when and what to do with our vegetable garden. On and on. 

I don't know if it's healthy to think about what I would be doing, but the fact is I am not feeling up to doing most of these things.  My time before surgery could be just a matter of days or a matter of weeks.  We don't know.  Beyond that we don't know what kind of recovery time I will have, are we talking days, weeks or months. 

Spring to me is a symbol of life, a symbol of hope in darkness, symbol of God's magnificent powers to create and make things once dead alive.  If He can do that, He can certainly bless all of us through this trial. 

I do not see this as a punishment for me or for anyone else.  Life is full of trials, some big, some small, but all make us stronger and I know that I have already been blessed to find greater strength.  I find strength in all of those who have already expressed so much love, faith and concern.  I feel loved, I don't feel alone.  My prayer, of course, is the same as all of yours, full and complete recovery, I want to be here to raise my children, love my friends and family and I feel like I have so many more good things to do in my life.  We need to pray for the Doctor's hands that they will be steady and sure.