1st - I wanted to let you all know that because of our new situation and circumstances Jane - our lovely German exchange student has decided to leave us earlier than anticipated. She was going to be heading home to Germany on June 8th after her full year with us. Because of everything going on here she has opted now to go home this Wednesday, the 19th of May. Her flight leaves Idaho Falls at about 3 p.m. This is a hard thing to handle all together. I feel guilty and sad that she is leaving early because of me. I was so looking forward to spending these last few weeks with her doing things that we hadn't yet been able to do. I was looking forward to running a few community races with her and playing outside in the sun with her and the kids - now that the sun is finally here. Jane is such a good girl, I have had so much fun being her "mom" for a year. I have watched her grow in so many ways and I regret now that I am so emotionally spent that I have little left to give as I say goodbye to her on Wednesday. She is happy and sad to be leaving, she has a positive attitude and I don't think she is leaving with any regrets. We will miss her and I am sure when all is said and done in several months I will turn around and wish she was still here. Any of you who know her and would like to stop by to say goodbye and wish her luck I am sure she would be so happy to see you. She wanted to say goodbye to everyone at church today but it turned out to be Stake Conference. I love my Jane and I will miss her.
2nd - While our life has been changed quite dramatically over the last few days I am always aware that there are still others struggling even more. I have a dear friend, "another mother" of mine - if you will - who is currently in the ICU in a Utah hospital and has been struggling for the past several nights. Last night was especially scary. My prayers and thoughts are continually with you. I love you Vickey, I love you Andrea and family and you are in my thoughts and prayers continually. Hang in there, you are one of the "rock examples" that is helping me find the faith to get through my own trial.
3rd - Today we were at Stake Conference and I found myself in an utter fog. Many of you asked me how I was doing, what I was feeling and offered your love and service - Thank You! I left feeling like I didn't know what to say to anyone and that I hadn't said enough. I apologize if I felt unpersonable or "out to lunch."
The past 11 days have been so full of ups, downs and all-arounds that I guess I am just numb to my senses emotionally. Physically and emotionally I struggle off and on throughout the day, but mostly I am just "here." I realize that the physical struggles I have now in caring for myself and my family are not near what they may be when on my road to recovery after surgery. That is hard for me understand - physically, today I am "mostly" okay and I keep asking myself how I am going to through this surgery and have the strength to get back to "mostly" okay. The uncertain outcome of the surgery also has me a bit worried - (1) what is the tumor? (2) what permanent damage, if any, will my spinal cord sustain? I try to keep positive and for the most part I believe that all will be okay, but it's kind of hard not to at least think about it.
I am learning that I DO NOT LIKE the idea of letting go of my family at all - it's so hard for me. It is my nature to want to make sure EVERY little detail is planned out while I am gone and that everything will go as I have arranged. It's too much for everyone to handle. I have been putting too much pressure on my dear extended family, I am sorry. I know they will be in good, loving hands while I am gone!
I have 3 beautiful, wonderful and amazing reasons to motivate me to get through recovery as quickly and perfectly as possible. They ARE my life and my work and my joy!
I have an amazing husband by my side who loves me unconditionally. He has a huge burden to bear and I worry about him. I look forward to getting back to him quickly and continuing the rest of our journey together!
What I know is that there have been so many blessings from this experience already. The life lessons I have felt and learned in the quiet moments will be with me forever and I pray that I will be a good student!
2 comments:
Thinking a lot about you Kara. You're always in my thoughts and prayers!
We are sad to see Jane go too. She has been fun to have around, even though we haven't seen a lot of her lately....school and snow, boo.
I hope you know we are thinking of praying for you and are positive too that this is going to go well
Lastly, thanks for coming over and I am sorry we didn't get to talk about your accommodations in UT. What is your plan then???
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